Thursday, September 3, 2009

Late Night Thoughts


(I was looking for a picture of us to post...I stole this from a friends computer. They are both asleep and don't know that I stole it...Ha! Thanks Alexa!)



I'm back.

The me that gets all deep sometimes.

My mind is racing tonight, so I thought I might share some thoughts with you.

As I sit here and type this, Ellie and Adam are sleeping next to me. I'm typing on a friends computer, which feels weird since I just opened up a word document and wrote a few pages of some of my deepest, most secretive & real thoughts on just a minute ago. Something in my spirit was just in need of some good writers therapy.

I miss normal life.

I am so jealous of the people who don't have a little brother with a brain tumor. Who get to go to sleep at night knowing that things are safe & sound...not waiting around for a call to say that someone needs you to come just in case things take a turn for the worst.

I won't tell you all of my thoughts that I wrote down, as some are too selfish for the world to see, but this I will share...

When I was younger, I would ask the Lord to test me. I wanted to know how strong my faith really was. I wanted to know that in my darkest moments I would turn to Him. Well, some of them have come. I'm happy to say that I have still clung (is that the right tense? Ha!) to Him through this situation (definitely not all of them). If there is no hope of Heaven and restoration, then there is no hope at all. But man. Why ask for such tests? It's silly really. We live in such a broken world. We should expect heartache around every corner. But for some reason, when it comes, we act surprised.

Tonight, I'm praying, thinking, & meditating about hope for Jacob. I want restoration . As I type these next words, know that my fingers hurt & my stomach aches for how badly I want this...I want to see Jacob run again. I want to walk in the door & have him greet me himself with his big smile, I want to see him play his legos, and beg us to play games with him-and this time, I never want to refuse. I want him to give me a hug voluntarily, and kiss my hand like he use to. I want to see him watch himself in the tv while it's off (we called it "The Jacob Show"). I want to see what kind of uncle he will be to little Ellie. I want him to meet our other children when they come. Most of all, I want him to be really alive again. Happy.Well.

Tonight I'm still praying for our miracle. Would you please pray with me?

I could keep writing forever, since I'm not tired, but I won't.

Love, Krystle

P.S. We are headed off to go camping tomorrow! We need this time to sort of re-coop and get some much needed energy to come back and be able to be the best help we can. If I could ask for another prayer request, it would be that Jacob would be okay while we are gone. Thanks everone :)

5 comments:

Jessica and Deric MIller said...

Something Pastor Bob said a couple weeks ago really encouraged me. He said, "God's love is unfailing, even when we are unknowing."

We'll continue to pray for a miracle and pray for peace in a situation that only God knows the answers to.

A Glimpse of Home said...

Praying for you all!
Have a great camping trip!

Leigh Steele said...

love you.
you are all in my heart.
xo

thekirnancrib said...

keep us posted. love you girl. xoxo

Ralph Amsden said...

Sadly, the feeling of safety and normalcy doesn't come back.