Well, I have been really down in the dumps lately. I just can't imagine what it would be like to have some sort of chronic illness. This pregnancy sickness has really been getting me down. I wake up and feel terrible, and lay down to sleep at night and feel terrible. Since I love people who are actually honest and don't sugar coat everything, I'm just gonna tell you like it is-
I have been feeling SO guilty lately that I'm not super excited about this pregnancy. I felt that since I had a miscarriage last time, that I would be over the moon to get pregnant again. But the truth is, I'm not. I have so many fears; will this baby be ok, how am I gonna keep working with all this sickness, is Ellie gonna feel like she is robbed of affection, will she be jealous, am I really good enough to be a mom of 2??...and the list goes on.
I feel like what it really comes down to is that I'm sick of being sick. And worried. And fearful.
The other day, I had a revelation, and thank goodness I did! I felt like the Lord was telling me to STOP wallowing in my self-pity, and remember what in the world I'm even doing here on this earth. Everysingleday is a new chance to serve Him. Just because I feel terrible doesn't mean that I get to slack off on being a child in His kingdom, or that I get to just lazy around all the time. I think that the real deal is that I have given myself the grace (sometimes its good sometimes its not) to be lazy. I feel like my closeness with the Lord is something that I'm really missing and it makes me so frustrated. In turn, it effects every area of my life. Thus making me negative, slumpy, dumpy, and mean. And man is that a horrible combo! Poor poor Adam!
So, it's time to get my rear in gear and do something. It may not be deep cleaning my house, or making an awesome dinner, but I think that giving my husband a nice smile & kiss when he walks in the door would be nice, or maybe not complaining about how bad I feel to him and instead telling him something that encouraged me during the day. Maybe even praising God in the moments that I feel bad for the amazing miracle that he has given me to grow and take care of. Just a thought.......... :)
2 comments:
I'm sorry you're not feeling all that great. I can't imagine being pregnant and taking care of a toddler at the same time so you're already doing a great job in my book! Just keep your mind focused on the love that you've been blessed with and you'll be fine. Big hugs.
Pregnancy is seriously one of the hardest things. When other people get a head cold, they call in sick to work. Or when you have a really bad period, you stay in bed all day. But somehow (those of us that get sick), are expected to continue on with our lives, and push through all the struggles, even though we feel like crap. No one is coming to your door every night with meals, or asking to watch your kids- it's just expected that you deal. And that is SO hard.
With my first, we got pregnant on my honeymoon, and I SO did not want a baby YET. We wanted to wait 5 or 6 years. Then I was SICK so so sick for about 6 months. Had to still work, and other then work, didn't leave the house. It was so hard for me to get excited about the baby, accept the plan God had for us, and move on. I was resisting and unhappy. With my second we planned the pregnancy, but the illness combined with taking care of a toddler almost killed me, well not really, but maybe a little.
I'm proud of you for talking about it, and finding small ways you can make changes in your attitude, and finding things you CAN do, and doing them. Hoping your discomfort and sickness goes away RIGHT now, and as it leaves your Joy becomes immense.
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