Tuesday, February 12, 2008


I get a little weary of life sometimes. It seems that there is always a contstant nagging for something more; in my relationship with Jesus, in my marriage, with my family, in my friendships, etc. I know that I called it a nagging, but I mean that in the best way possible. And I grow weary not of life in general but the REAL need I have for genuine relationships, and the toll that takes on my spirit when I don't have them.

Jesus sets such a high standard in our lives of what a real, loving, caring, compassionate, giving, sacrificial relationship should look like. By NO MEANS am I hoping that my dear friends I have will be my Jesus, but I do think that I have high expectations in all of my relationships.

I often wonder if I do things to prevent those relationships from blossoming into something beautiful. Maybe bitterness, resentment, and hurts from my life have wounded my heart and made it hard to trust. I definitely have fears. I recently told a good friend that I'm always scared that if people REALLY knew me, if they REALLY did, then they would shy away and reject me. Is that a normal feeling? I hope so.

Back to expectations, I am proud to admit that mine are high. I need to know that the people closest to me are in it for the long haul. I somehow feel that I cheat my relationships if I don't tell them every part of me; the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I feel that when I hold back, people are missing the deepest and most important parts of me, that are crucial to a relationship.. The parts that make me precious to Jesus, and the parts that have shaped who I am. What I bring may be dirty, smelly, and not fit for a clean table, but at least it's ME.

I love clarity and transparency. My husband sees through me. He knows when I am over-reacting about something that is utterly meaningless, and when there is something deeper wrestling inside of me. He doesn't overreact as well, he squeezes the frustration and anger out of me with love until there is nothing left but humbleness and truth. What a sweet gift from Jesus. He gives me a glimpse of that genuine relationship I need in every area of my life.

Freedom from Fear. That's what people need. That's what relationships need. Really, what's the risk? People could tell someone else your dirt, but at the end of the day, it's Christ who died for it all. And He STILL loves us just the same, if not MORE. That's all I need; To have Freedom in Christ and NOT fear of people.

1 comment:

shannon said...

I know how you feel Krystle, I know thats cliche, but I really do! I totally relate, and I struggle with feeling like I dont fit in anywhere...I wish we lived much closer and saw each other regularly. We have to get together! I got my myspace back...haha I felt so disconnected from a lot of people. Call me if you want to talk about anything!