Monday, May 12, 2008

Learning How to Deal

Lately I have been dealing with some hard things. About 2 weeks ago, a family member of mine tried to take her life. She didn't succeed, and praise God for that. God truly is GOOD. But it left me with some really raw & new feelings. I have tried so hard, for my whole life, to keep my feelings about this person so far away, so that I would never hurt over her. But when this happened, all of those feeling came in like a flood covering my body. I felt so suffocated and overwhelmed. God was and is teaching me so many things through this.

The biggest thing that He taught me in that moment, was to see this person through his gracious eyes. A lot of people may have looked at this act as purely selfish, and self-gratifying, but when I looked at her there on that hospital bed, I saw a little girl that was desperate for help & hope. She needed a way out of all of her pressures and fears. And this seemed to be the easiest way.

I have never cried the way I did that day and the days to follow. Jesus was teaching me to love someone so unselfishly. And to see her through a Father's eyes was so breathtaking. It was so pure that it hurt. I suppose that this is how Jesus wants us to see people all the time. He doesn't want us to measure our love for someone based on their successes or failures in life, but rather their heart & their story. He wants us to see the beauty of each person's brokenness.

I realized that night that I didn't even know this person's story. She could have died that night, and I would have never known who her best friend was, who influenced her life, what kept her going when the going got rough, who had hurt her, who had helped her,....NOTHING. All I knew was what other people had said about her, and what other people thought of the way she lived her life. I never pursued her. And that hurt.

If you know me, then you know that I like to live my life as a real person. I am the weird person that enjoys movies that don't have "happy" endings, I love interesting people that aren't like everyone else in the world, and I love getting to know who people REALLY are. I want to know what hurts them, what makes them happy, what their strengths & weaknesses are, and mostly I LOVE hearing their story. Whatever their story may be. Simple or complicated. So, with all that being said, this was devastating to me. I didn't know someone in my life that is suppose to be one of my closest family members the way that I knew people who weren't. And to be honest, I didn't even try because I was scared of the pain it might bring up in my own life.

What I have learned, is that pain is good. It is needed, it is helpful, it is healing, and it's what real life brings. And the reason that I can keep going and deal with this pain, is because I have the hope that Jesus gives. And hopefully I can pass on some of this glorious hope that my Savior gives freely to this special person in my life who is desperate for some.

That is what has been on my heart lately dying to get out. But, I hadn't had enough strength to just do it. I was skeptical about putting all that on here, but then I thought, this is my life, and this is a part of my story.

I will leave you all with a verse that has been in & out of my head since everything happened:

Matthew 11:28-29

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

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