WHEW!!------1 Month Already?!

I have been a total blog-slacker. I give myself all the grace in the world though :) This past month has been FULL of ups & downs. More ups than downs, so that's good news! It's been a rough but awesome transition into mommy-hood. Ellie is nothing short of AMAZING. So cute, so fun, & already developing a little personality. Breastfeeding is nowhere to be found...I am pumping and doing the bottle...she will have NOTHING to do with my twins unfortunately. But that's ok...she's getting the good stuff, and that's all that counts :)

Right now I'm having a much needed break. Listening to some John Mayer, catching up on other blogs, and I may, I repeat, I MAY even be able to take a shower! Cross your fingers...my poor husband has to deal with stinky me all the time! Ha ha! Crazy how priorities change.

Here is our past month in pictures...ENJOY!

Our first day out...sorry for the blurry picture!
Week 2

Mommy, Daddy, & Ellie out for dinner & shopping!

Mom & Dad still feeling the LOVE....Lots of it!!

Daddy & Ellie sharing some smooches :)

1 Month Old! Family Pic

Ellie-1 Month Old- Rockin' her Birthday Suit!!

How cute is that face?! Seriously...she kills me.

Little Sleeper...

All washed and relaxed...

Love, Krystle

Nothing Compares

Nothing compares to the Greatness of knowing Jesus.

I have blogged about this statement before, but it is something that runs deep in my blood. Jesus saved me from a distructive life, and gave me a hope in Him and in life. I am so thankful. I have reflected on my past few blogs. I will say that I know that I am very open & honest. I like it that way. Life isn't always peachy, and we can't pretend. It doesn't help anyone...and most of all, it makes us loose ourselves. With that being said...

I can't let my circumstances dictate how I will be from one day to the next. God put me on this earth for a purpose. Right now, my purpose & mission is to raise up my child in the way she should go. It's also to maintain a steadfast love for my Savior that doesn't waiver. All the things below in my last post still stand, but today I have decided that I need a new perspective.

It's ok to be down. It's ok to throw pitty parties for yourself every once in a while. It's ok to wish that your circumstances were different. But it's NOT ok to forget to depend on the Lord for strength to get through the day...and to do it with JOY. Not forgetting that we live here on this earth not to be satisfied & content. We are to feel like aliens. Never comfortable.

For me, being a parent has not been "comfortable" so far. So, according to my God, I'm in the right place. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurities are to be expected. I can't let it overtake me though. I don't believe that it's honoring to the Lord to wallow in my circumstances for too long. So, right now, today, I'm changing paths. This is not to say that each day won't be hard still. It's not to say that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and feel great. But I am saying that I am going to CHOOSE to live each day for Lord. Whatever that looks like each day- on my knees, with my hands raised in worship, with tears of joy overflowing, with small prayers throughout my entire day, or one long-whole hearted prayer at night spilling myself out to Him.

Because at the end of the day, all that matters is that I remembered that NOTHING compares to Him. A perfect day, a perfect baby, no breastfeeding problems, no mastitis, or a full nights sleep won't make me satisfied (well, maybe for a little while!). It's only HIM that will fill me up.

Need to get out much?

Ya. I do. Definitely need some fresh air these days. I can't believe how overwhelmed I am. I'm actually pretty sad about it. Baby Blues you say? I don't think so. Just too many things on top of too many things in too short of a time period:

Laboring for hours & hours being 8 cm dilated
Pushing and giving birth to my baby
Hearing my midwife say I needed a lactation consultant right after she was born
Pains when I pee
Pains when I poop
Pains when I breastfeed
Pains when I pump
Feeling pain when I put diaper rash cream on my screaming baby & feeling like a bad mom for her having the rash in the first place
Lack of sleep
Lack of putting on make-up, doing my hair, and taking a shower
Lots & Lots of stretch marks
Family over, friends over, more family, more friends
Adam going back to work
Getting a breast infection
Worrying if my baby will get an infection too
Wishing I could just sit & stare at my baby instead of pumping
Having nightmares of huge waves that suck me in (I have had this dream the whole time I've been pregnant, but now I'm holding Ellie)
Watching my dogs, Adam, and Ellie sleeping soundly for a while now, while I sit & cry because I have to pump

Gosh. I sound so negative. Not trying to be. But I figure that I have this blog to be perfectly honest, and to be perfectly honest:

I Need to Get Out!

Mastitis...Are you kidding me?!

I wanted to update on how my first day "alone" went yesterday.................TERRIBLE! I was going strong up until about noon, when all of a sudden I got a massive headache, body pains, a high fever, and one of my "twins" was swollen and rock hard!

I immediately called my mom (because even though I'm a mom, I still need my momma!), and she told me she thought I had mastitis. Basically I have a clogged milk duct which leaves you in severe chest pain and flu-like symptoms. Adam had to come home from work (his FIRST day back) early to take me to the urgent care. Bleh!

So, these past couple days have been pretty rough. I was so mad that I got this...not only am I having a REALLY hard time breastfeeding, but to get an infection too?!?!?!

This too shall pass, this too shall pass...

Add this to the list of "things-people-don't-tell-you-when-you're-pregnant".

On a positive note, I'm feeling better today :) I have missed being able to be Ellie's mom yesterday & today as I have had to tend to my ailments. Thanks goodness for moms & husbands!

Adjusting

Boy how I'm learning what that means in these early weeks of being a new parent! Today is my first day of being home all by myself with Ellie. I have been so nervous for this day to come. I feel like I have been so spoiled having Adam home these past few weeks, and since we don't ever get tired of each other- seriously, we don't- it has been tough! I miss him like crazy. And I know he misses us too...

I think I had an image in my head of what it would be like to be a mom, and so far, it's not exactly what I thought. The toughest part so far has been the continual trouble with breastfeeding. I'm so determined and not giving up- at least for a while- and it starts to take a toll at times. I know that it's only for a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, so that gets me by most days. Also, no one really talks about all the pain AFTER giving birth! That was so rough!!! I wondered why people didn't say that you wouldn't even want to drink water in fear of having to get up to go to the bathroom later! Or how you would be absolutely TERRIFIED of going #2 in fear of something else falling out too! Or how you would rather chop off your boobs than TRY to attempt breastfeeding one more time... Sorry if that was too much information, but it needed to be said....Ha ha! Hopefully no men read my blog!

Another thing that I didn't expect were the fears that come with parenting! Before I had her, I thought that since I always wanted to be a mom, that I would just naturally do a good job and be really confident. Lately though, I find myself praying for EVERYTHING! I get serious too, laying hands on her and all! I am so terrified of something bad happening to her. When some people hold her, it totally freaks me out and I want to snatch her back. I get this feeling that if I knew that at the time I could have prevented something from happening and didn't, that I would never forgive myself. So, to all you parents out there, how do you balance that out? I don't want to be a crazy, over-protective momma, but it's so difficult since I am the one responsible for her. Whew! So much to think about!

Most of all, I know that fear is NOT something instilled in us from our amazing God. He is pretty clear in that we can NOT add a single day to our lives by worrying or being anxious. I think I need to cling to that truth more often. I'm pretty sure I will lose my sanity if not.

Even though this has been a total adjustment period, I wouldn't take it back for the world. Having a baby is one of the most miraculous things in the world. To know that you and the person that you love most in this world, created a life together, is nothing short of amazing. And then to see the one you love, love someone else just as much as you, just in a different way, is pretty amazing too. And when such a little person can make you sob just by thinking of how much you love them, when moments before you were crying because you felt like you were at your end and giving all you had to give, is rather remarkable.