Monday, June 1, 2009


Boy how I'm learning what that means in these early weeks of being a new parent! Today is my first day of being home all by myself with Ellie. I have been so nervous for this day to come. I feel like I have been so spoiled having Adam home these past few weeks, and since we don't ever get tired of each other- seriously, we don't- it has been tough! I miss him like crazy. And I know he misses us too...

I think I had an image in my head of what it would be like to be a mom, and so far, it's not exactly what I thought. The toughest part so far has been the continual trouble with breastfeeding. I'm so determined and not giving up- at least for a while- and it starts to take a toll at times. I know that it's only for a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, so that gets me by most days. Also, no one really talks about all the pain AFTER giving birth! That was so rough!!! I wondered why people didn't say that you wouldn't even want to drink water in fear of having to get up to go to the bathroom later! Or how you would be absolutely TERRIFIED of going #2 in fear of something else falling out too! Or how you would rather chop off your boobs than TRY to attempt breastfeeding one more time... Sorry if that was too much information, but it needed to be said....Ha ha! Hopefully no men read my blog!

Another thing that I didn't expect were the fears that come with parenting! Before I had her, I thought that since I always wanted to be a mom, that I would just naturally do a good job and be really confident. Lately though, I find myself praying for EVERYTHING! I get serious too, laying hands on her and all! I am so terrified of something bad happening to her. When some people hold her, it totally freaks me out and I want to snatch her back. I get this feeling that if I knew that at the time I could have prevented something from happening and didn't, that I would never forgive myself. So, to all you parents out there, how do you balance that out? I don't want to be a crazy, over-protective momma, but it's so difficult since I am the one responsible for her. Whew! So much to think about!

Most of all, I know that fear is NOT something instilled in us from our amazing God. He is pretty clear in that we can NOT add a single day to our lives by worrying or being anxious. I think I need to cling to that truth more often. I'm pretty sure I will lose my sanity if not.

Even though this has been a total adjustment period, I wouldn't take it back for the world. Having a baby is one of the most miraculous things in the world. To know that you and the person that you love most in this world, created a life together, is nothing short of amazing. And then to see the one you love, love someone else just as much as you, just in a different way, is pretty amazing too. And when such a little person can make you sob just by thinking of how much you love them, when moments before you were crying because you felt like you were at your end and giving all you had to give, is rather remarkable.


R,K,L said...

Very well said! All so true. It is amazing how much having a baby changes us. I was just talking about those fears you have when you have a newborn. They are helpless and YOU are the one responsible for making sure nothing happens to them! Amazing and stressful all at the same time.
I wanted to share with you something that really hit me in our sermon yesterday. I have been having such a hard time with not being consumed with worry about something happening to Luke. It is beyond words scary to think what my life would be like without him or if something were to happen to hurt him. I just can't seem to let go and fully put him in the Lords hands because I am so scared. Our pastor was talking about this yesterday and said when he had his first child he felt the same way and called his parents to see how they dealt with this. They explained that you just have to realize that our children are GIFTS from God. He blesses us with these miracles and it is our job to love and raise them, but no matter what, they are still HIS. I knew that, but for some reason HEARING it yesterday really just hit me. I can't say that I can do it yet but we just have to get to that point that we can give our fears and our children over to God to take care of since they are His to begin with.
I think you are doing amazing and it is so awesome that you can share your thoughts. I agree about the after birth issues that no one ever talks about!

Jessica and Deric MIller said...

Your blog says it all!! I remember telling my mom and Deric, "Pray for me, I have to go #2!" I was so scared the first time. Since I was drinking water like crazy, I got so annoyed "rinsing" myself every time. The water would never warm up fast enough to fill in the bottle, so I just suffered and used cold water. It's funny how while you are pregnant you have to sleep on your side, but now I can't because it makes my chest hurt! Sometimes I miss those new mom moments b/c she was so tiny and even though I felt like crap, she was still so beautiful and just staring at her would make all that pain and frustration go away.. now she's growing so fast and it's hard to remember what she looked like only a few short weeks ago!
I totally feel the same way about Sophi. If she sleeps even 1 min. more than normal, I worry.
I can relate to everything!! Very well written. :)

The Mathis Clan said...

It will all come in time. :) Just like you had what it took to deliver your little miracle, you have EXACTLY what your she needs now. You also have one huge thing going for her, you love her like nobody else on this earth! Trust your instincts and enjoy these precious moments while you can, they are gifts from God. You will become more and more comfortable with all the little things as you get to know both your daughter and yourself as a mother better. If you ever want someone to talk to who can relate and offer some personal experience, I'm always here.

thekirnancrib said...

it's funny, because everything that you are going through I JUST went trough and am still... so know you are not alone! The post-pregnancy physical changes are definitely hard to deal with. And yes, there are so many things that I dealt with wondering why no one told me about them... like the squirt bottle and not being able to sleep on your side! And how you try to avoid people who hug really hard! haha!!! My BIGGEST thing though was the fear though. I was/am terrified of something happening to Brynlee. I talked with Kerry about this so much, and she has great insight, as you can see. :) When we drove home from the hospital I was in tears thinking of what would happen to her if we got in an accident. My poor, helpless baby! I am much less fearful now, but I really need to TRUST and draw near to God... I need to remember that He numbers our days and we never do know when we will breathe our last breath, so we must live each moment bringing Him glory... and I want to teach my daughter that! I want to focus not on what could happen to her, but rather how BLESSED I am to have her! :) love you girl!!! you are such a good mommy and doing SUCH A GREAT JOB! praying for you so much!