Thoughtful Thursday: Fear

I have been fighting this post for a long time for a few reasons; 1) embarrassed to admit what I think about day in and day out, 2) afraid to admit it, and 3) worried of what people may think.

But I'm just going to go for it. I am so so so afraid of something happening to my kids. Like, really afraid.

I think it's the reason that I'm a crazy researcher on everything and doing non-mainstream things like a home-birth and not vaccinating my children. To think that I could possibly inflict harm on them is something that I don't know that I could live with. With the vaccination issue, I continuously find myself torn. To not vaccinate is to not inject very harmful substances in their sweet new (innocent) bodies that could possibly do irriversible damage. But I find myself wondering what if they got these diseases. I have researched enough to know that at the end of the day, not vaccinating is actually what puts me more at peace.

Same thing with my home-birth and birthing center birth with Claire. No one actually knows how much epidurals and other inducing drugs will effect the baby. Not to mention they actually haven't been around for that long, and for that reason I don't trust it. I try not to treat anything as " a medical procedure" that shouldn't be. If I'm healthy, and my baby inside is healthy, then it makes sense to me to not expose them to anything that could be harmful at such a young age. This is not to say there aren't instances where it truly is medically necessary, but like I said, I tend to go the more natural way.

With those issues out of the way, there is still something even deeper. If one of my kids even gets a tiny cold, I am SO worried. I'm in to check on them like a billion times a night. My mind always goes to the worst places- is this something bigger, are they going to develop and infection from this, is there a chance they could die? (This is honestly where my mind goes at least once a week) I have only been to the ER with Ellie once for Croup and hospitals just get me nervous when I'm (or my family) is the patient. I feel so out of control.

I have experienced death. Both in my family, and to others around me who I love. It's unbearable to watch and experience the process. I just feel like I don't know if I could take it if it happened directly to me. I'm not sure though that anyone feels like they are ready for something like that to happen to them.

I recognize though, that as I spiral out of control in thinking about the worst, that God gently reminds me that I need to start telling myself the truth more often. I have so much hope in Him. I don't need to worry, and as the bible says, it won't add a single day to my life, or my family's. I need to remember that I am certainly not in control and that He is in control. I need to remember that I may not be able to make it through if something were to happen, but He can help me make it through. He equips us with the strength we need when we ask for it. I think it's a daily struggle of giving up my fears and starting to trust Him with every area of my life.

I follow this blog (also on my sidebar The Sullengers). It scares me so much to think about what they are living through, but gives me so much inpiration and hope at the same time. They are truly relying on God to get them through their situation and it is so encouraging and challenging.

Okay, now that I put it out there, please tell me that I'm not alone. That's a reason that I'm so afraid to admit it- in fear that no one else will relate and think I'm crazy. So, if you been in my shoes, please tell me about it. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.